Am I Really That Old?

Today, my professor said “Does anybody here know what Y2K was?”. I thought he was kidding, but the response of the class seemed to indicate that they only knew about Y2K by hearing about it from others. One guy raised his hand and said, “Wasn’t it that time right before the year 2000, when everyone thought the world was going to explode because computers weren’t equipped to handle the new date changes?”

Most of the students in this class were freshmen. They were 8 years old when Y2K happened. I suppose that there is a difference between the way a 12 year old sees the world (which is how old I was during the Y2K scare) and the way an 8 year old sees things, but I didn’t think it would be that different. I didn’t think they wouldn’t remember something that people were worrying about for months over. I guess I was wrong, I guess 8 year olds are just more naive than I realized.

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Self Esteem

As I mentioned in a previous post, I have extremely low self esteem. In the past, this has prevented me from applying to schools, jobs, and internships which I felt were a reach, out of fear that I wouldn’t be able to handle (possible) rejection. It’s also impacted the way I approach relationships, but that’s a post for a different time.

When I started applying to law schools, I figured this would be a good time to work on this aspect of myself, and I applied to several schools that were “reach” schools . I have heard back from a number of the schools I have applied to, and almost all of the responses were positive. However, there are two schools that are at the top of my list of ideal schools. One I haven’t heard from yet. The other one I got waitlisted for. I found out today.

In a way, I expected this. Writing application essays was awful. As I was trying to convince the schools that I was their ideal candidate, that I was smart and ambitious and all around awesome, my insides were screaming, “NO YOU’RE NOT. YOU’RE LAZY AND STUPID AND THE WORSE CANDIDATE FOR LAW SCHOOL EVER”. I’ve really been trying to separate my emotions from rationality, but this is not making things easier.

My mom, forever the optimist, responded to my text of “waitlisted for [school a] :(” with “that’s excellent, when do u hear back?”. It took me a while to figure out her response wasn’t an insult. I guess I should have her confidence, but I just don’t. I equate getting waitlisted for schools with rejection. Similarly, when I got into a few schools but without getting a scholarship offer, I was upset. Acceptances should be cause for celebration, but I’m always looking at the negative.

I really need to work on this confidence thing. I guess I’ve been convinced that avoiding any risk of rejection is not the way to go, but I’m not loving the alternative.

Confusion

My boyfriend suffers from depression.

Does this mean I should suffer with him?

I suffer from low self esteem, and I am acutely aware of this.

I keep thinking I need to end this. I think, why should I be stuck in a relationship where my partner doesn’t want to do things with me, doesn’t make an effort to see me, doesn’t understand why all this upsets me.

And then I think, but if I break things off, I will be alone. I like thinking that I have someone to confide in, someone to share things with, someone to turn to when I’m upset.

And then I think, I’m that person for him. I’m who he turns to when he’s upset, when he’s depressed. And is it fair for me to not be there for him if I want him to be there for me?

And then I think, if I break things off, he’ll get more upset and more depressed, and now is not the time to do that to him.

But maybe now is the time to do that. Maybe I shouldn’t wait until he is happy, because then I will be set him into ANOTHER bout of depression.

I love him. I think he loves me, but he never tells me unless I say it first.

He makes me laugh. When he’s not depressed, I can make him laugh.

We enjoy the same forms of entertainment, though lately we haven’t been doing much of anything.

I will only persue a relationship that I think has long term potential. Does this?

I love him.